The Parts of Valmar you Never Saw
by Chris and Andy
Summary: A look at all of the "Parts of Valmar" that were suspiciously absent from the game. R
1. A Tale of Failed Odor Eaters

THE PARTS OF VALMAR YOU NEVER SAW  
  
Chris and Andy  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to  
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any  
further.  
  
By the way, Chris wrote the first chapter, I typed and edited it.  
  
  
Chapter 1: A Tale of Failed Odor Eaters  
  
"Each shall rise to face their...My foot!"  
Ryudo found himself sitting in yet another strange dungeon after fighting yet  
another swarm of monsters, looking at yet another strange floating ball in the middle of   
yet another stair case, with Millenia yet again going on about her hair and lack of a bra,   
with yet another person that was obviously a part of Valmar, although due to Ryudo's   
lack of observational skills he had yet to notice any of these things. One would have   
thought that the giant foot sticking out of the man's head would have made Ryudo   
wonder just a little bit.  
But now the Foot of Valmar, who preferred to be called Foot Regally   
Emancipated of DOOM, or just FRED, was giving his usual big badguy speech.  
"And three shall be the number of the counting..." Ryudo had begun to fall   
asleep, Elena was beginning to question why she was wearing a sock around her head,   
Millenia was writing a long and involved love letter to Ryudo, Tio was...well, Tio and   
Mareg were considering the best way to say SMELL, and Roan was putting on his make-  
up.  
"Four score and seven years ago..." FRED was saying.  
"I will not allow you to harm anymore people!" Ryudo shouted.  
"Yeah, Valmar needs his foot," Millenia added.  
"I'm going to kill you, burn you, mutilate you..." Elena rambled off, before  
noticing the stares she was getting. She resumed her usual forced smile. "I mean, sorry,  
that your soul is about to be ripped into small tiny miniscule..." she stopped herself.  
"You SMELL bad," Mareg added helpfully. The party turned their heads. "Well,  
he has a foot sticking out of his head...it reeks."  
"I really don't think pink is my color," Roan said as he regarded himself in the  
mirror. "Do you think fuschia would be better on my complexion?"  
"You should drink milk. You're real short, Roan," Ryudo responded. Roan  
proceeded to weep like a little girl.   
"Ryudo," Elena was cross. "You know how sensitive Roan is about his height."  
"Well...he's short!" Ryudo answered, glancing at Roan. "That's right, shorty, you  
haven't even hit puberty yet. You're voice is like a rusty axle, and you're so small, you   
probably can't even go on the merry-go-round!"  
"Enough, fools!" FRED bellowed. "You can't begin your comebacks until I'm   
finished with my big badguy speech."  
"What, you're not done?" Millenia was shocked. "You've...been ranting for two   
and a half hours!"  
"You aren't even original!" Elena added.  
"I am too original! My transitions are very original."  
"Well, what are they?"  
"Well..."  
"Well...?"  
"Well...?"  
"What are your transitions?"  
"Well, the transitions are, well..."  
Ryudo's jaw dropped. "You are so damn stupid! Damn boss. Damn God. Damn  
Valmar. Damn Roan. Damn Mareg. Damn Millenia."  
"Why damn me?" Millenia was stunned.  
"Uhhh..." said FRED. "Just finish up so I can kill you all."  
"Now I've lost my train of thought. Oh, let's just fight."  
"Yes!" Ryudo danced.  
"Wait, your automata hasn't said her response, we can't fight until she does."  
FRED replied.  
"Say something Tio!"  
"What should I say?" Tio asked.  
"Anything."  
"Err...doom." Everybody looked at her. "Was I mistaken in my choice?"  
"Yes, now I will kill you, damn boss of damness who shall forever be damned to  
damn hell with damn monkeys and damn Millenia."  
"Hey!" Millenia began. But FRED had already transformed into a giant foot. A  
giant, ugly, green, nasty foot. With lots of crud between the toes. And it smelled really,   
really bad.  
Mareg spoke. "I told you he SMELLED bad. But no, you just stared..."  
"Shut up, dammit, damn Mareg, always damn talking, dammit," Ryudo replied.  
"I hate my life," suddenly Skye chimed in. "But at least I have no nose. Haha,  
suckers!"  
"You are going to be sucked into my...er...soul," Millenia spoke to the Foot of  
Valmar. Then the Foot spoke.  
"No fair, six against one."  
"He's right, I don't think console systems can handle more than four people in  
battle at once," Elena said.  
"Sure they can, think about Suikoden," Roan answered. "Hmm...maybe I'll wear  
blue like Flik."  
"Oh, just kill the damn foot, dammit!" Ryudo was ancy. "Flying Tenseiken!"  
Nothing happened. "Umm...Skye?"  
Skye was mumbling on top of the weird glowing sphere. "Uhh...There's no way  
I'm touching that foot."  
"Damn you, damned Skye! Purple Lightning!"  
"That is so gay," Roan stated as Ryudo sliced the foot to bits. The foot wasn't  
very threatening, except for the smell. Ryudo finished and turned toward Roan.  
Millenia began devouring the foot behind him.  
"I'm gay?!" Ryudo said angrily. "What about you, Mr. 'Do you think pink suits  
me'? You're an escapee from the Barney kids!" Roan gasped, turned, and started crying.  
A sudden realization hit Ryudo.  
"The 'People of Darkness' are all former Barney kids, aren't they???"  
"Nooo! You've found us out!" Roan wept. But the conversation went nowhere.  
Millenia had finished the absorption, and looked as though she was going to vomit.  
"Eww, how gross that foot was."  
Elena stared at Millenia. "Hey, how come we're both here?"  
"Errr..umm...nobody knows," Millenia replied.  
"Oh, okay. My head hurts."  
Mareg sniffed the air. "You all SMELL bad." Skye chuckled from atop his perch.  
"Heh heh, suckers."  
  
  
-Written by Chris  
-Typed and editted by Andy U. 


	2. Anatomically Correct?

THE PARTS OF VALMAR YOU NEVER SAW  
  
Chris and Andy  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of these characters belong to us (me and Chris). They belong to  
Game Arts or whoever. Blah blah blah I don't think I have to expound upon this any  
further.  
  
I wrote this chapter, with Chris as a 'creative consultant'. Chapter 3 coming soon.  
  
  
Chapter 2: Anatomically Correct?  
  
"Damn."  
"Ryudo!" shouted Elena. "Why do you always have to say that?"  
"I'll say whatever I damn well wanna say."  
"Please, we're in a holy city! Show some respect!"  
"Gah, I hate this town. I hate the pope. I hate god."  
"I'm sorry, Ryudo, but we needed supplies badly, and this was the nearest town."  
"And it's all Mareg's fault, too. Damned idiot, always using all the damned soap  
and complaining about the damned SMELL all the time."  
Elena mused. "Maybe I should check in with the pope while we're here."  
"Stupid damn pope."  
"Ryudo, stop that!"  
"I'll stop whatever I damned well wanna stop, and no god-damn half-wit prissy  
choirgirl is gonna..."  
Tio sighed. "Oh, god, they're at it again. I hate my life."  
"I can't believe those two," said Mareg. "And...hey, wait, Tio, why do you have  
emotions all of a sudden?"  
Tio considered a moment. "I'm...not quite sure."  
"What in blazes is going on??? In the last fic, you were emotionless and  
following orders, and now you're complaining about Ryudo and Elena. This makes no  
sense. I mean, if you do have emotions, shouldn't I have already died?  
Roan piped up. "Yeah, which also brings up another good point. How is it that  
all of us are here at the same time? I thought the game only allowed 4 party members at  
once!"  
Millenia chimed in. "And, also, how are me and Elena both here at the same  
time? Just where in the game are we???"  
In the background there were sounds of intense battle punctuated by occasional  
grunts and 'damns' as Ryudo and Elena beat the living crap out of each other.  
"Wait, I know!" exclaimed Mareg. "Roan, what are you wearing?"  
"Come again?" Roan asked.  
Millenia caught on. "Yes, that's right! If Roan is wearing his Happy Adventure  
Boy outfit, then this is before he left at Cyrum Kingdom. If he is wearing his  
womanly...er, kingly robes, then this is after that."  
"Um, actually, right now, I'm wearing my Slutty Schoolgirl costume."  
Millenia's face grows red. "Hey, you little creep, that's mine! Give it back!"  
Millenia began chasing Roan around and around in circles. Then Elena walked  
up, dragging a broken and bruised Ryudo behind her.  
"Hey, guys, what's up?"  
"How is Master Ryudo?" asked Tio.  
"'Master' Ryudo??" said Mareg incredulously. "Now you're back to being  
emotionless again? And I thought I was your master?!"  
Tio shrugged. "You SMELL bad."  
Mareg's mouth gapes open in horror. "I...I SMELL???"  
Tio nodded.  
"NO!" cried Mareg. "It isn't true! I bathe regularly!"  
"Yeah, we hadn't noticed," retorted the injured Ryudo. Elena wacked him upside  
the head and he passed out. Mareg curled up into a ball and started crying.  
Suddenly, doors of the cathedral burst open, and Oro came walking out, retching  
and convulsing in an oddly Bill-the-Cat kind of way. There was a big glowing black  
spot on his lower abdomen.  
"Oh, it SMELLS!" cried Mareg.  
Roan held his nose. "It wasn't me this time, I swear!"  
"Why don't you shut your damn mouth, smartass!"  
"Ryudo, what did I tell you about using those words?" said Elena, brandishing her  
heavy iron staff. Ryudo screamed like a little girl and hid underneath a rock. Elena  
smiled evilly.  
"What have you done to my poor Ryudo?" asked Millenia angrily.  
"Um, excuse me. I think that you've forgotten somebody."  
They all looked up at Oro.  
"Um, and who would that be?" asked Millenia.  
"Um, well...me."  
"And just who exactly are you?"  
"I am..." *dramatic pause* "The Spleen of Valmar!!!!"  
*long silence*  
"Um, what is a Spleen?" Tio asked.  
"Well, Tio," says Mareg, patting the automata's head, "A spleen is like a heart,  
only less...um, useful."  
"Useful?!" said Millenia incredulously. "Does a spleen actually do anything?"  
"Well, I'm sure it must serve some purpose," said Elena. "Why else would it be an  
organ?"  
"Dammit, I wish I could remember my biology class," said Roan.  
"Roan!!!!" Elena exploded. "DON'T USE THAT LANGUAGE!!!!!!"  
Elena picked up her mighty rod of death and proceeded to chase Roan with it,  
swinging it around in the air. Ryudo smiled vengefully from underneath his rock. Under  
his breath, he said, "Ha, stupid idiot. He's too damn young to have been in biology class,  
damned pansy."  
"I heard that, Ryudo!" shouted Elena.  
"Oh, DAMN!" Ryudo scrambled out from under the rock to escape Elena, but she  
caught him by the ear and dragged him away.  
"Elena, stop that!" said Millenia. "Can't you see that you're hurting him? Can't  
you see that he never loved you anyway? Can't you see that you never had a chance  
against me?"  
Elena falls to the ground and starts sobbing.  
"You'd take me over her any day, wouldn't you, Ryudo?" said Millenia, latching  
onto Ryudo's arm.  
"Um, well, that is to say...er, I can't really decide."  
Millenia suddenly turns a bright shade of red and goes into her Rage.  
"FINE THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO DECIDE FOR YOU!!!!"  
Roan sighed, and said to Mareg and Tio: "This is turning into a poorly-done  
episode of Tenchi Muyo."  
Millenia proceeded to blast Elena with Fallen Wings, eat her with the Tongue,  
confused her with the Eye, crush her with the Claws, hit her with the Body,and  
step on her with the Foot.  
"It SMELLS!" shouted Mareg.  
"ouch" said Elena.  
"Hey, what about me???" said the Spleen.  
Roan kneels down before it. "Please, before we fight you, grant us, oh Spleen,  
one small question."  
"OK, fine, go ahead."  
"Um, what does a Spleen actually do?"  
"Do? What does a Spleen do? You've gotta be pretty stupid if you don't know  
that! Spleens...well, um, that is to say...we spleen."  
"Ah, I see," said Roan.  
Then Ryudo lost it. He shouted, "Stupid damn talking organs always so damn full  
of themselves, thinking they're the center of the goddamn universe! I hate you. Die."  
Ryudo killed the Spleen. All that was left of it was a small slimy black sliver  
laying on the ground.  
"Eeewwww, I don't wanna absorb that thing!" said Millenia.  
"But you have to!" Elena commanded.  
"Ugh, fine."  
Millenia bent over it, made some loud eating and gagging noises, then  
nonchalantly kicked it into a pond, where several fish came and ate it and promptly died  
of severe poisoning.  
  
-Written by Andy U.  
-Typed and Edited by Andy U.  
-Proofread by Chris 


End file.
